other stuff


staying the course

16:49 23/02/2004

Dear Reader,

I am so tired of doing what’s right, doing what I need to do, fulfilling my responsibilites and my duties. It’s not that I don’t want to do them, nor that I am sick of doing just that, but I feel a weariness and I am tired. So very tired. I’m not sure I have the energy or the will to continue to fulfil them. More and more I feel the need to escape, almost to run away, except that a stubborn streak in me refuses to bow down to what I see as defeat. Failure is not defeat as long as you continue. Perhaps it would be better to run away and fight another day, but I must run the course, see it to the end, come what may. This is part of who I feel I am. That I must accept the consequences of my actions without question…almost, be they good or bad.

I think there was a time when I fulfilled all my duties, my chores, my responsibilities. In short, did what I needed to do. Whether this is a reflection of fact or merely a nostalgic twist of memory, I’m not sure. I can look back and point to my many past achievements, which perhaps to my detriment I look upon with pride, but do they truly reflect what I was like. I think there was a time when I became arrogant and expected things to always fall into place. Certainly I think that was the case towards the end of Secondary School. I don’t think I am fooling myself anymore, but neither do I feel the need or desire or even the blind “just do it” determination, that I think I had as a boy. I’m not sure about much anymore.

For what feels like the longest time, probably for the last eight to ten years, one word has been mentioned in regard to me that has had a profound weight, “potential.” According to most if not all of my teachers, I had such great potential.

potential – adj. capable of coming into being or action; latent.
n. 1 capacity for use or development.
2 usable resources.
3 Physics quantity determining the energy of mass in a gravitational field or of charge in an electric field.

I tried for a while to live up to their hopes, to everybody’s hopes, including my own, but I don’t think I ever achieved my potential. For a while I was definitely on course, but I grew lax and arrogant as I have mentioned earlier. Now, I find myself in limbo, trying once more to find the way. Surrounded by murky and misty air, I need to find a way out. But it seems to be a slippery slope, easy to slide down, hard to climb back up. Potential is a heavy burden, especially when you sling it on your back in the way that I did. Perhaps, I expected too much of myself. I don’t think so. I believe that anything is possible, and also, to take from a film, what one man can do, another can do. These are two mottos, amongst many others that I try to live by. At this stage though, perhaps I should try to drop it by the wayside, be the best that I can be and forget about this potential, which is just that, it is in potentia, it does not exist. However, it is hard to leave behind, it clings to me, perhaps because of pride or just that stubborn streak, that sees that as defeat.

Even if I did leave it behind, it is only a part of the problem. I have almost no drive, little focus, determination or ambition. How can I cultivate a renewed desire to do my best, to do what is needed of me? I was going to say, that I had become sedate, but that’s not quite true, nor is it false. I’m sure there are those who can testify to my being sedate and others who will bear witness to a more agitated person. I don’t have any answers. So I find myself reverting to my default behaviour of sticking it out, staying the course, come what may.

Yours truly,
The Writer.

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