other stuff


“Life Consists of Missed Oppurtunities!”

“Life is such a disappointment! Vouldn’t you agree, Dr. Zitz?” “Nein, I don’t agree vith you, Dr. Titz. I think that your view ist too pessimistic, ja.” “But, ehh….., vut do wir do in life, hmm?” “Ve live, ja, ve do things. Vut do you think, Dr. Schitz?”

Dr. E. Schitz was the most reknowned Austrian psychologist and philosopher. His view on anyting was world-reknowned and it was for this reason that he had been invited to the Convention of Austrian English-Speaking Philosophers. One of the requirements to be invited to this convention was to have a ‘Dr.’ before your name and a ‘z’ at the end of it. Schitz had been born with a ‘z’ at the end of his name but there were others who had had to change their name, for example from Braun to Braunz.

Schitz had been in a deep philosophical trance questioning himself on what he should have for lunch when his two friends, Dr. Zitz and Dr. Titz interrupted him. Dr. Zitz and Dr. Titz had been friends with Dr. Schitz since they had gone to university. Dr. Schitz always thought that Fate was playing a cruel joke whenever he looked at his friends. The face of Dr. Zitz still resembled that of a ‘pepperoni pizza’ even though he was well into his thirties. Whilst Dr. Titz, a woman who had slept her way through university, was well endowed in certain areas that only women can be. Dr. Schitz wondered if he had a connection with his own name but the thought was quickly swept aside as his associates posed the question to him again, “Vut do you think of life, Dr. Schitz?”

The whole room quietened as 501 ears strained to hear what he had to say. (Dr. Carelitz had only one ear, due to an unfortunate accident with a razor blade, thus explaining the one ear in the 501 ears.) Dr. Schitz felt claustrophobic as he listened to the deafening silence. He took a deep breath and blurted out the first thing that came into his head. This technique normally worked well, even if the sentence was idiotic and stupid. People normally read so far into it that it developed into a deep almost spiritual, philosophical statement. “Life Consists of Missed Oppurtunities!” Dr. Schitz didn’t know how he had pronounced the capital letters and he didn’t care.

The room burst into an explosion of buzzing, kicking the previous silence out of the door, leaving it sitting on its backside wondering what had just happened. Dr. Schitz sat back and lit up a ‘menthol cigarette,’ knowing that his job for the day was done.

Dr. Zitz and Dr. Titz leaned forward, obviously eager to discuss this statement further with their friend. Dr. Titz began the conversation, “Ja, das statement ist true. Ja. Ja.” “Hmm. Life consists of missed oppurtunities. Ja. Ve live in a vorld of oppurtunities yet ve miss them.” “Ja, I zee vere you are going, ja!” Dr. Schitz blocked out the noise. He wondered why his friends spoke English like that, always lapsing into their native accents and even into German, a completely different language. It wasn’t as if they hadn’t studied English. Both of them had degrees in the language. Hmm…you’d think they could speak it properly like I can, humph! Well, another philosophical debate started. It was a good thing I didn’t finish the sentence, “Life Consists of Missed Oppurtunities for Eating!”