epiphany
02:15 28/08/2004
Dear Reader
I’ve had an epiphany, a moment of clarity as I am wont to call it. It seems an age since I last had one. Certainly it has been a number of years since I can recall that state of mind in which everything seems clear. That night, though the exact date evades me, remains in my mind as a time when I understood everything, nothing was beyond my comprehension or my imagination. I was at peace, calm and relaxed. I was thinking about that night in the last week as I sought to come to an understanding of myself, of what it is I want to do, of what I need to do and ultimately the decision that I need to make at this time.
Tonight it came, in a split second I felt it, this sudden realisation of a calm, a reassuring feeling that everything is going to be ok. I understood what it is that I want to do, what I need to do and therefore what I will do. It lasted no more than a few seconds as the full realisation came, but the aftereffects remain as I write this. I am at peace, a feeling that I cherish, for it comes so rarely.
In the last few days, I was starting down a road that I was unsure of, that felt wrong…though I couldn’t quite express what it was that was wrong about it. It seemed the logical thing, the right thing to do, but I see now that I didn’t really want to go down that route, that it was leading to a life that I’ve never wanted. The thing that I have been fighting in my mind for the last few days, I now see as an opportunity, a means to the correct end. Having come to this decision, I feel much more at ease, happy even.
I have never understood these moments of clarity, perhaps it’s a message from God, or somebody who looks after me. All my life, I have been blessed by something, maybe just luck and though I often think that is true, even more often I think it is something more. How lucky can one guy be? No matter how hard I try to fail, I somehow survive and scrape through. I’m always thankful of that.
This is pretty heavy stuff, even for me. I’ll let it lie, even though there are other things I want to talk about, they can wait for another day, as so often I let things wait. I hope that they age well like wine and are not forgotten.
Regards,
The Writer